A Certain Longing
by Aeriel Cross
Summary: If only Gin wasn't the one that Kira chose, he was sure he would be his by now... oneshot. Shuuhei x Kira


Title: A Certain Longing

Author: Alexis Sacrifar

Pairing: Shuuhei x Kira

Genre: Angst / Romance

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. If I did, i'll still ban the anime after thinking twice.

Summary: If you knew Gin was going to leave all along, will you place your loyalty in him? Will you perhaps, give me a chance to protect you instead?

A.N:I forgot why I wrote this, or for whom. It says on it its for someone on who requested it. I need to be shot and killed.

It hurt him, now and forever, to watch Kira suffer, the tormented anguish clearly shown in his eyes as he watched mutely in silent shock, his captain's departure. The event was over a long time ago, but that pained, anguished look had never left Kira's eyes.

Ichimaru could have done better and killed him instead.

He remembered the time when Kira had stopped dead in his tracks, shocked at the news, and had started trembling in an effort to hold in his tears, his hands balling into fists by his side, and even though he couldn't see, he could tell Kira was gritting and grinding his teeth. Then, he had turned and ran away, much to the surprise of the officers accompanying him – they didn't expect someone injured thus could run that fast, or far, as Shuuhei cursed colorfully, and ran after him as well.

"Kira! Oi, Kira!!" he yelled after the fast moving blonde dot.

He really didn't expect the blonde to shunpo away. Shuuhei scratched his head, half of him wanting to join Yamamoto to find out what's going on, and the other half wanting to go after Kira. In the end, seeing as such that Kira has always been one to blame everything on himself, he had decided to go after him for fear of finding his still, unmoving body long turned cold on the ground. It wasn't a secret that he held more than just admiration for his captain. He did find the blonde in question an hour later then, hiding in the dark recesses of the Third Division's quarters, sobbing quietly to himself.

Slowing down, Shuuhei let some of his reiatsu leak out to inform Kira of his presence, but maintaining a distance away from him to allow him some privacy as he cried, facing towards the wall so that no one could see, the heart rending sounds and the shaking of his shoulders the only sign of that break in emotion. As he watched Kira then, he felt anger washing over him. Ichimaru would have known that Kira absolutely idolizes him, and yet he had betrayed Sereitei, betrayed his squad, betrayed Kira's loyalty. And yet, after all this, Kira still looks up to him. The man didn't deserve this much, he didn't deserve anything at all.

"Go away, Shuuhei." His voice was surprisingly steady and calm when he spoke.

"Kira-"

"Go away!" It was the first time Kira had shouted at him, and when he raised his head, he could see that the blonde's eyes were bloodshot, face twisted into a feral snarl, turmoil showing clearly through those blue eyes, pain and overwhelming fury. Shuuhei took a step back involuntarily. All his life, he had never seen the gentle, soft spoken vice captain this agitated before. Gin's departure had ripped him apart – and turned him to this easily.

"You know that I cannot-"

"Are you leaving," Kira growled, and Shuuhei blinked at the naked wabisuke in Kira's hand, blade gleaming. "Or do I have to _make_ you?"

That day, Shuuhei had left, and he had never stopped regretting leaving Kira alone on that day.

As expected, he soon rose to the ranks of a captain, replacing the now gone Gin, as like Shuuhei. It was odd, seeing Kira in the white captain's haori and ordering his new fukutaichou around. Out of them, only Hinamori wasn't made captain yet, and Renji, who chose to stick with Byakuya. As he was taken up into the heavy weight of duty, he saw less and less of the blonde, and chances to speak with him was rare.

Kira was as before, soft spoken and quick in decision making, but now, there was a hardness behind his eyes, one that hid hostility, anger and bitterness, and somewhere, the lingering trace of sadness, pain and disappointment. He was responsible, caring ,and firm, and possessed all the qualities a captain would have, but he no longer held that open, trusting look in his eyes anymore. Yamamoto praised him greatly, but Shuuhei could see that he was hiding grief by burying himself into work.

It hurt him, to see Kira reduced to this, even though one would say that he had accomplished a lot.

The Third Division thrived under his rule, and it was obvious the division loved their new captain well as when compared to the past. It was often that Shuuhei walked down the corridors seeing one or more shinigamis trailing after his junior like eager puppies, something rather uncommon in that particular division. People thought that Kira had gotten over the incident after enough time had passed, but if they were to look closer, and observe, the signs were there that Kira had it fresh as day in his mind.

There were times, even, that Kira let it slip pass his collected composure, the brief flash of anger in his eyes at the mention of the name, the slight twitch. Many a times when Kira was loosened by sake, he would lounge against the table drunkenly, face red from the alcohol, and start babbling. It would all begin with him insulting Gin, throwing dirt upon his ex-captain's name, but soon it would turn into sobs, and he would laugh, bitterly, and start blaming himself for Gin's departure. He would proceed to tell Shuuhei in his drunken stupor, how he had fantasised to be with Gin, how he respected him ever since he was a student, till he would be too exhausted and drunken to go on, and his head would fall to the table, and sleep a sleep of the mourning.

Shuuhei never stopped him, always listening, letting Kira let off some steam, and carry him back to his own room afterwards to bring him to bed, hearing him murmur Gin's name over and over again into the night, and his heart would bleed for Kira's injured soul.

Much as he tried, Kira never allowed himself to fall into another relationship again.

"Shuuhei, you know I am no longer who I am. I no longer possess the trust required for such a relationship anymore."

He thought that it was there, but Kira was just solely fixated on Gin and only Gin. No one could replace the silver fox of a captain in his heart.

One night, when Shuuhei had been drinking sake alone, he recalled the times when Kira and him were still acads, when Kira's eyes would shine in excitement and hope when Ichimaru was mentioned, the smile and the laughter that was given freely and easily in honesty. Why was it Gin that Kira chose? He was sure that the bastard didn't even deserve it. He knew Kira before Kira knew Gin, and yet...

Tipping his head back, Shuuhei regarded the moon, calm and serene in her bed of clouds, his lips curving into a bitter smile as he raised his cup to the sky and downed it, letting the alcohol burn its way down his throat to settle in his stomach rather delightfully.

"So you won, in the end," he told the moon that reminded him of Gin, bitter. "If it wasn't for you, Kira would be mine already. And now, you killed it."

Pouring himself another cup, he tossed the wine out towards the moon.

"You bastard."

_At least, allow me to be by your side till either of us dies..._

~End~

A.N: No, I really don't know, but its really long winded. I write more DGM than Bleach nowadays, though. ._. And all fanfictions will be put up first into my LJ comm before anything else. Sieve memory is sieve.


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